1. MAKING YOUR OWN COFFEE, YA DUMMY!
Prep time: 5 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.10 – $0.25
Ingredients (serves 1-4, depending on how much coffee you drink)
Coffee beans
Water
(Some kind of) Milk (optional)
Boil water. Grind coffee beans. Put into french press. Add water to french press. Steep for five minutes. Serve hot in a mug with or without your cream of choice. Give yourself a pat on the back for beingthrifty and very adult!
2. THE 20-SOMETHING SMOOTHÉ
Prep time: 3 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.50 – $0.75
Ingredients (serves 1-2)
Banana
Yogurt
Orange juice
Ice
Vanilla extract (optional)
Cinnamon (optional)
Put all that stuff in a blender, obvs.Blend. Serve cold in a glass. Make sure to drink in public so people know that you’re healthy and together.
3. A BEGINNER’S BREAKFAST
Prep time: 10 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.50 – $0.75
Ingredients (serves 1)
SMOOTHÉfrom above
1 egg
1 slice bread
Water
Salt and pepper
Butter
Put egg (uncracked) in a saucepan of water. Set to boil. Drink SMOOTHÉwhile waiting for egg to boil. Toast slice of bread. Boil egg for 3 minutes.
Butter the toast. “Empty” soft boiled egg onto toast and smear all over the toast. Garnish with salt and pepper. Have a glass of water to drink because it’s good for your skin and aura. Eat with your hand a la “open faced sandwich” or with fork and knife. Prepare to feel hungry again in 20 minutes.
4. #HASHTAGBROWNS
Prep time: 25 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.75
Ingredients (serves 1 – 2)
1 large potato
(any kind of) Vegetable oil
Butter
Salt and pepper
Put large pan over medium-high heat. Add about a teaspoon of vegetable oil. Grate the large potato in its entirety with a cheese grater. *IMPORTANT TRICK*: take the now-grated potato over the sink and squeeze all the juice out. Squeeze as much as you can.
The oil should be hot by now. Make sure it’s covering the entire surface of the pan. Add the now-grated potato. Garnish with salt and pepper. 5 minutes in, add a few small slices of cold butter to the top of the potatoes. Let them melt.
Once one side is brown and crispy, flip to the other side. When the other side is brown is crispy you can eat the hashbrowns… but not before you Instagram your beautiful creation and annoy all of your friends with your smugness.
5. A SOBER QUESADILLA
Prep time: 15 minutes
Approximate cost: $1
Ingredients (serves 1)
3 Leaves lacinato kale (or swiss chard)
Cheese
Half can of pinto beans (mostly drained)
1 Tortilla
Vegetable Oil
Put large pan over medium heat. Add about a teaspoon of vegetable oil. Slice enough cheese to sort of cover half the tortilla and put it on ONE half of the tortilla.
Put half can of pinto beans in a bowl and mash into a paste with a fork. Spread that stuff on THE OTHER HALF of the tortilla.
Semi-“chiffonade” the kale into sort-of-wide ribbons. Put all the kale onto the CHEESE SIDE of the quesadilla. Close the quesadilla now. The bean side should now be smooshed into the kale and cheese side. Do you get it? Hon? The bean paste sticks it all together.
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Put on the frying pan — but make sure the entire pan is coated in the hot oil. Don’t burn it, you fool! Once one side of the quesadilla is golden brown, flip to other side and do the same. You may need to add a little more oil for the other side.
Remove from pan, quarter (that means cut into quarters, noob),and eat it like the ravenous barbarian we know you are!
6. BRUSSELS SPROUTS THAT TRICK YOU INTO THINKING THAT YOU LIKE HEALTHY FOOD
Prep time: 15 minutes
Approximate cost: $1
Brussels sprouts are a good complement for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They pair well with fried eggs, pinto beans, onions, garlic, couscous, noodles, potatoes and a bottle (or two) of wine.
Ingredients (serves 1)
Brussels sprouts
Half a small onion
Sea salt
Black pepper
Butter
Put large pan over medium heat. Add about a teaspoon of vegetable oil. Chop brussels sprouts lengthwise, 3-4 chops per brussel sprout (chiffonade style). They should resemble little discs. Dice the onion. Add brussel sprouts, onion, salt and pepper. Stir often, frying until slightly singed but with integrity maintained. OMG, you did it, babe!
6. “LOST IN TRANSLATION” DINNER
Prep time: 25 minutes
Approximate cost: $2
Ingredients (serves 1)
1 package ramen (discard flavor packet)/ soba/ udon noodles
1 carrot
1/3 block of tofu
Small head of broccoli
1 clove of garlic
Curry paste
Soy sauce
Vegetable oil
Toasted sesame oil
Drama (if needed)
Jealousy (if needed)
Boil the ramen, drain, and cover. Slice carrot at diagonal angle so that slices are long. Cut tofu into half-inch cubes and remove broccoli head from stem. Slice garlic if you don’t have a garlic press.
When water is halfway to boiling point, add less than a tablespoon of canola oil to pan on medium-high heat. When pan is hot, add carrot, tofu, broccoli, garlic, around a teaspoon of curry paste, and a little toasted sesame oil. Mix together. Cover ingredients LIGHTLY in soy sauce (better to underestimate than overestimate as too much soy sauce will make it too salty and inedible). Fry on medium high heat 5-7 mins, stirring often.
Add noodles to stir fry. Mix well and fry for a minute or so. Tofu cubes should be browned and crispy on one or two sides, but carrots should not have lost their integrity. Google images of Asia and eat in front of the photos.
7. “STUDENT LOAN” SALAD
Prep time: 5 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.75
Ingredients (serves 1)
Mixed greens
Fresh corn
Sexual tension
Cucumber
Whatever other raw vegetables you have
Salt and pepper
Toasted sesame oil
Balsamic vinegar
Put all the above ingredients in a bowl. Toss. Eat from the big bowl. Add kale chiffonade if you want to feel pretentious.
8. GRANDMA GRANOLA
Prep time: 2 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.50
Ingredients (serves 1)
Granola
Sunflower seeds
Yogurt
Fruit
Flax seeds (optional)
Put all that stuff in a bowl and mix it up. Eat. Duh.
9. OATMEAL THAT DOESN’T TASTE LIKE STYROFROAM
Prep time: 6 minutes
Approximate cost: $0.10 – $0.30
Ingredients (serves 1)
1/3 cup oatmeal
1/2 cup water
1/2 cup (whatever kind of) milk
Butter
Fruit jam
Add oatmeal and liquids to medium high heat saucepan. Bring to a boil. Add oatmeal, reduce heat to simmering, wait for the plot to thicken a little. SHOULD BE SOUPY WHEN YOU SERVE — DRY OATMEAL IS GROSS, YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY. Pour in a bowl, add butter and a scoop of fruit jam. Mix, eat. Tweet about it. Rub your noggin. Sigh wistfully.
10. VEGETABLES (FLOURA + FAUNA!!!)
Prep time: 1 hour
Approximate cost: $1.50
Ingredients (serves 1-2)
1 small beet
1 medium potato
1 carrot
1 apple
3-5 leaves lacinato kale
Half an onion
2 cloves garlic
Olive oil
Salt and pepper
Chicken leg (optional)
Preheat oven to 400 F. (Yes, you have an oven in your apartment.) Quarter beet and potato, chop carrot into half inch pieces. Remove core from apple and slice it. Peel and chop in half garlic cloves. Slice onion into wedges. Put all that into a square glass pan (incl. chicken leg if you are using it, which I mean it’s cool if you are, I just prefer not to eat living things when I’m hungry, LOL). Drizzle with olive oil, garnish with salt and pepper.
Bake until root vegetables are almost tender. Stir around once or twice so that the root vegetables below are exposed. Add kale, cut into half inch ribbons, during the last 5 minutes of baking (they will become crispy). Serve when root vegetables are as tender as two lamb chops on a spitfire grill. Don’t let the kale burn. That would be embarrassing for you.
All information provided in this article is for reference purposes only.
image – Shutterstock
